For the first time since I began this journey of reflection and hopefully change, I missed sharing on a day...Yesterday was both encouraging and humbling. Encouraging because I took one step forward, humbling for taking one step backwards. I went to Quaker meeting in the morning to practice my group meditation and to see what might come up while I sat for almost an hour. Needless to say my mind was fully awake and full of thoughts. So I practiced tagging my thoughts and then letting them go. Good thing I had the better part of an hour to sit! The great thing about meditation is you really can't have a bad practice, if you are actually practicing, and the more you stick with it the deeper you unravel the layers keeping you from being present, the distractions we find ourselves wrapped up in from day to day. While I was sitting, my mind started with the usual stuff; horses, friends, family. As the thoughts kept coming up, one theme re-visited again and again. Acceptance, and the insecurities which keep me from being there. Sitting in the group was a woman who had in the past year expressed her interest in me time and again, usually in ways I found most uncomfortable. And though I had firmly stated my position of disinterest each and every time we spoke, it never failed when I hung up the phone, this sinking feeling of knowing she would try again. Why did I know this? Yesterday, it dawned on me the reason for this was the fact I hadn't communicated with her from her perspective, only from my own, and there was always an aloofness in me, a distance. It made me wonder if perhaps I alter my approach, let this woman in for a bit so she can spend the 5 minutes she says she only needs, then maybe we can each go on with our lives in a way neither one of is looking backwards...and while I sat in meeting, it dawned on me if I can accept her path in life, one that involves past lives, even if I do not see it/feel it/am not aware of it, then I figure we might find some common ground. Enough for her to move beyond any feelings of attachment to me, to let me go. So I called her and offered to meet for a cup of coffee. I'll see what comes of it.
The humbling part of my day came later at the races. And it's so ridiculously ironic this thing we call life, I mean I'm drivin' to the races, fairly pleased I took the opportunity to at least try and grow, patted myself on the back at least half a dozen times, drove in to the races and the very first person I see is someone who hasn't spoken to me in something like ten years. We were best friends, roommates, hell I was even the best man at his wedding. I actually made contact with his wife, exchanged pleasant waves from a distance, and though Geoff was walking next to her, I immediately chickened out and went a different direction. It was so spontaneous, the decision to turn away...I didn't even have a conscious thought before I did it. Naturally those thoughts came pronto, yet I didn't act on them, didn't take the opportunity to simply say hello to Geoff, never mind broach a subject the both of us had been avoiding for years and years. A little history; there was a Christmas party, lots of people, lots of drinking. Geoff and my first best friend have an argument, a fairly loud and tense one in front of the whole room...I happened to be in a different part of the house, never heard a peep. The next day I'm told what happened by Sean (1st best friend), I call Geoff to find out what he thought. No answer. Left him multiple messages. He left that day for Boston with his wife, and I've never spoken with him since. For years I justified my phone calls as good enough. If he wants to talk, he'll call, I kept saying. I had no bad feelings towards Geoff, none. He was a great friend, the most decent human being you could ask for, and a hilarious roommate. We argued like cats and dogs about anything and never once took it personally. I missed him and our friendship terribly. But in my mind I had reached out, more than once. And the fact he never once returned my calls was the perfect out for me and my precious ego...at any rate, after taking Landmark, he was on my list of phone calls. So I called him again. Left him messages. Didn't return my calls. Some people would say it's time to move on, I did what I could. Yet the man lives half an hour away. I still have his number...and if I let it go at that, can I really and truly say I did the best I could? Course not. Sometimes in life you simply have to be unreasonable. Go to his house or call him every day til he talks to me? It's gotta be one or the other. You see, I have the ace up my sleeve. I know whats behind Geoffs stubbornness. If I live the rest of my life without Geoff at the very least hearing me out once, it will be no ones fault by my own. He may not be willing to see past the pride and ego, but not only am I willing, I already have. There is nothing for me to take personally, despite the fact I am the one who didn't get called back, despite being the best friend who missed out on being Uncle Chip to two kids, and a relationship that made my life special.
So I'm going to do one or the other. Maybe even both if he clings to his considerable orneriness.
You want stupid?, I'll show you stupid! Hahahahahahahaha, the Miller mantra at its best........
Wish me luck. On both counts.