Well, I'm happy to report day 4 has treated me far better than yesterday...In case you wondered, when I posted last night, I did head to the Half Moon (my local bar) pretty much convinced I would either eat, drink, or possibly even both...I had it justified in my mind I had to go to the Moon because I had agreed to meet a friend, and couldn't possibly bail out. And on the way there, some feeling of desperation crept in and got right between my eyes, almost taking over my thought process. I reminded myself this is exactly how it felt every Thursday and Friday, but reminding myself didn't exactly stem the feelings nor alter how I viewed this experience, the one I CHOSE to undertake...you shoulda heard me when I sat in my familiar seat at the corner and all but pleaded for a pint of water. Three gulps it was down, and if Jamie (the bartender) hadn't kept replenishing my pint time after time, I was going to order a ketel and tonic. Any second, or maybe even every second I kept thinking 'O christ, just get a freakin' drink and get it over with'...and though I was pleasantly chatting with my friend and Jamie, this sinking feeling of knowing I was going to order a drink kept pulsing through me...and of course, every time a waitress brought an order of bar food (the Moon serves gooooood food too), the hunger deepened and my faithful reflex of ordering a drink chimed in repeatedly. Strangely enough, after half an hour or so, there was this subtle shift in my mood. I went from hanging on to some form of acceptance. I wasn't going to order food or a drink. Can't say I was thrilled about it, but I no longer fought it tooth and nail...and by the time an hour passed, the storm had ceased. When I got up to leave sure I was hungry, but my attitude had changed. It's okay to feel hungry. Feel it, own up to it, and then let it go. By the time I got in my car I was smiling...
I was asked on Formspring, this website somehow attached to facebook, about my relationship with food, and fucked up it seems. I'm not sure if this person (the questions are asked anonymously) knows about my life as a jockey or 20 years of dieting...but the questioner is absolutely right, my relationship to food and to hunger is screwed up. And the impact it's had on me is precisely why I chose this 30 day juicing cleanse. The resentment, the harshness that's a part of me is what I'm trying to alter...and yesterday was a monumental exercise for me. I went through every antagonizing emotion and defense mechanism in 5 hours, the very things which have driven me to the edge over the years. And I'm still not sure why I didn't eat or drink, to be honest. I don't recall even once reminding myself this is exactly what I signed up for, to confront the demons and deal with them in a different manner. Acceptance, grace, choice. Simple choice.
But I know for sure and certain I came home from the Moon a different person. Not changed for life, no way in hell, I know that. But different in that I wasn't wracked with any guilt for either eating or drinking, nor desperately wishing for either one. Sure I was hungry, but I was okay with being hungry.
And today, I've spent the whole day sort of humming along knowing the first painful step was taken. I made it. Would it have killed me to have a couple of drinks? No, course not. But emotionally it very well may have. There is a certain notion in the Buddhist world about living in the moment, being present, allowing yourself to let the past slide away...and one could say why not follow this train of thought?? Honestly, one day soon I hope it will be second nature for me to do just that...but I'm not at a point where I can happily choose something yet. To continue to give in to the devil on your shoulder year after year has a way of destroying your self-esteem, keeping you in a place you just can't be proud of. Your fears and resentments run the show only one direction. Down...And I wanna go up. I hope the next day I start pining for potato chips, or even a saltine, I hope I can stop myself right there and smile, knowing what I need to do. Remind myself it's simply the waves right then, and I'm the Ocean. It will pass. Just hold on.
Today I drank 2 24 ounce bottles of juice, and 1 24 ounce bottle of the cleanse, 1 bottle of 12 ounce water... I might have one more cleanse before bed. Peace.