Day 10

You know, every time I log on here and pick my font, I get this sinking feeling it looks the same no matter what I pick...today is called trebuchet. What the hell is a trebuchet? I think it's french for jackass, just type and don't worry about the font.
I digress.
Today was the kind of day you'd like to have had someone along with you. Watching the moon this morning just before sunrise, riding in the sun with nothing but deer to keep you company, contemplating this mornings podcast, meeting in kennett with a lady to discuss my yoga/local food/community center, even going to the dump and helping an elderly couple dispose of there lawn trimmings...all essentially unimportant tasks I fill my life with, but isn't that the biggest part of our lives?? Just because we're doing something less than life altering doesn't lower the experience...and ever since my near meltdown last Wednesday I can't help but notice my mood. Or perhaps even closer to the truth is my lack of moods. There is this placidness, even when I'm hungry (which is every day) or wanting that freakin' box of brown rice. I find I'm not getting lost nearly as easily in the distractions and defense mechanisms...Of course I still have my moments. But increasingly, this is exactly what they are; moments. They haven't been turning in to minutes (oh alright, they do turn in to minutes from time to time) or hours. I'm able to recalibrate simply by identifying where I'm at. Lord only knows how far I still have to go, and if I actually go racing while on this juicing cleanse it could get ugly quick. Real quick. And yet, I am smiling at the thought of knowing one of the greatest lessons I learned from yoga is in me for good...practice. Just practice. It's such a simple word, isn't it?? But in yoga, your practice (what it is called when you come to your mat and do yoga) is merely that. Practice. No judgment. No good or bad. Just practice. And in the ten days since I started, and turned off the tv to write, to explore, to read spiritual books and commit to my podcasts every day, I can see the fruits becoming ever more readily available. Now if only I can practice reaching those fruits.........
Today I read an e-mail from an old friend who happened to also be an old flame of mine. She very serendipitously asked me about why I thought our relationship failed. Being the sweet woman she is, the only two options she gave me both involved some failing of her own. I had to chuckle at the temptation to take the bait and give one answer or maybe even both, knowing full well she's a stubborn ol' cuss who likes to argue...but I could not. I felt bad there was a lack of understanding here, and though I had apologized more than once for ending our relationship, not knowing the why can be a hard thing to let go of. So I told her. The correct answer was me fearing not being good enough. Good enough for what, you might say? Make her happy? Convince her to move here? There is a little background here necessary to make it complete. When we were together, this lady, despite being utterly optimistic and joyful from first thought to last, always carried around with her a sense of worry, an insecurity almost like a shadow...never in full sight, yet never far off either. We weren't together very long, and since she lived in another country our time was often shared with family when she was here, so the chance to really develop a deeper connection didn't come to us. The reason I share this is so I can relate why I eventually came to the point of worrying about not being good enough. I worried I couldn't help her get past what I knew was there, yet hadn't discussed at great length with her. I wondered if I was up to it, and most certainly I feared I wasn't. What should happen if I can't get her past these insecurities, what if she won't acknowledge them? But far far worse, what if I could?? Ahh, now this is the nitty gritty...I'm not convinced this is the answer, but I do know full well it is entirely possible. More than likely I stopped short because I worried I wasn't good enough to help get her past her fears, and that was hard enough to admit to myself, much less anyone else. But I've come to realize how incredibly important it is to understand most of our relationships that end, end because we give up on them. We quit. Pointing the finger at another is just our clever ego working his fiendish magic. And I'm not talking about those relationships that needed to end, either. There are certainly moments where we need our intelligent discernment. Some people have a different life view, one in contradiction to our own. I'm not talking about those relationships. I'm talking about the ones we miss. The ones we regret not having. And even some of those we're pissed about, years after the fact. I have finally realized how it all comes back to me. If I refuse to give in, if I refuse to be locked out, if I simply won't accept a relationship ending, it won't. Period. It is that simple. That painfully simple. Oh, I used to get lost pointing the finger and taking the high road. I was a master at that. Still am from time to time. Which is why Geoff is back in my conscience. Sure, he was the one to not call me back. Again and again. Sure I used that as the perfect reason to not call him all these years. But you know what? I miss him. And I'm filled with sorrow we both have missed out on having one another in each others lives all this time. There is only reason for the sorrow and regret, too. That is the feeling of responsibility weeping...Ego kept me from calling again and again. Ego kept me from going to his house. Still does. And it's nothing more than a figment of my godforsaken imagination. Some poor little perceived hurt. And it totally effin' ridiculous.
So what can I do about my lady friend all these years later? Nothing more than be honest. We can't go back in time, we can't change anything that happened. But we can come to an understanding that reconciles the hurt we've been carrying around all these years, allows us to walk forward without looking behind us.
The cool part is now, every once and a while I'll remember doing something inconsiderate to another, and I'll pick up the phone and apologize. From the heart, too. Not once has the person not accepted it. And just as easily as that you have a friend back. We can make it as complicated as we want, we can create all sorts of distractions, but if you want that friend back, all you have to do is pick up the phone and say I'm sorry.
Of course, feel free to say a bit more than that.