Funerals are a funny thing. Yesterday I went to a gathering for Mrs. Hannum, one of the truly remarkable people from this small little part of the world. Our culture has imbued in us this obligation of mourning when someone dies, and there is no doubt when the occasion calls for it we find ourselves awash in grief and thoughts full of what may have been...and yet, on a day like yesterday I couldn't help but feel a certain sense of gratitude, even joy at the service for Mrs. Hannum. She was a woman who lived the life she wanted, a lady who wrung out every drop of energy and focus given her, for 90 years. She pioneered land preservation in our area, spent almost every last penny to her name in the name of keeping land open and foxhunting. And she lived 90 years! While I was pondering the irony of celebrating death yesterday, I couldn't help but be inspired by her legacy. Is it not true how we gravitate towards someone with such passion, how we allow a certain space for those who unquestionably follow their heart?? Mrs. Hannum could be among the most unbending personalities you'll ever meet in your life, yet rarely if ever would you hear a negative word...and doesn't that come from knowing the lady believed with every fiber of her being what she was doing was right? Fanatics should always hold a special place inside us, for they exemplify simple, straightforward love and devotion. I left the service yesterday humbled, knowing I have more than once lost my way, allowed my own fears and insecurities to sabotage what my heart desired...and reminded it can be found again.
I'm currently reading a book called Big Mind-Big Heart. I don't necessarily aspire to be a zen master, or a zen anything for that matter, but a bodhisattva perhaps. The cool thing about any spiritual book is your particular leanings and beliefs don't really matter. We can learn so much from other walks of life, if only we're open to it, free from presumptions and judgment. This book goes into depth about the voices we have inside us and how we might let them see the light of day without the tangled web of insecurity running the show...knowing the voice of fear is in me, regardless of whether or not I try to stifle it or ignore it, and allowing it to come out has been a powerful experience for me. I've done plenty of work in other walks of life, and they've been incredibly helpful, too. This book gives me yet another way to work with what is inside, the pretty and the ugly, the powerful and also the weak, the small and oh yes the very big...just today, I was reminded how the seeker in me is what led me to this 30 day juicing cleanse. I'm grateful to have such a strong seeker in me, for it's taken me places I wouldn't have dreamt of going without it all my life, but knowing it only one voice, one part of many different voices, I can begin to see more clearly the other parts inside, free from feeling threatened. I have the voice of desire, the self, fear, the controller, and on and on it goes...as I spend time with one and then the next, each voice finds its clarity, allowing me to unravel each strand as an inquiry, an investigation...as if pieces of clothing. And you get to laugh, too. Being able to see why is a constant source of entertainment. Even though you're laughing at yourself. Perhaps precisely because I'm laughing at myself...