I keep wondering about spiritual enlightenment...in fact, I imagined these 30 days to draw me closer to finding what exactly ticks inside of me, free from the fog and trance of distractions, practices from almost 20 years of a driving desire to ride races and a singular focus to be able to ride and train that eroded bit by bit the past 10 years, succumbing to losses and hurts, a suffering brought on only by me and the stories weaved so cleverly by an ever vigilant ego. I've come to realize the seeker in me is alive and well, the part of myself craving answers and clarity once directed to understanding life and others who have been a part of it. Answers have indeed come, some blinding in their clarity, still others rising to my consciousness slowly like a lazy summer morning sunrise. I've arrived at a place which brings me tremendous comfort and also something approaching paralyzing understanding. I'm grateful for the process, for whatever it was in me that decided I needed this journey, and particularly for whatever it is in me which reached for the books I've read, the podcasts I listen to every morning, the part of me which finds me arriving at Sunday morning meeting to sit with Quakers, to look within again and again.
Most of what I have found is humbling. I still need to be right. I still allow myself to wallow in indecisioin about future steps...I've found some grace about riding no longer being the primary impetus of who and what I am, though letting go entirely eludes my grasp. Friends in my life have come and gone, some of them going still leaves my heart aching, for I know I could have fought harder to keep them, while others arrive and stay thanks to the person I've become. For years having women as true friends was beyond me, now I count myself lucky to have at least as many as men among my friends. I yearn to find the one true love of my life, and question how and why it is this still so damn difficult. There have been so many contradictions in me and my life, most of them leaving a scar. As this 30 day journey has unfolded I have come to understand aligning what matters in my heart with what I do with my life, these contradictions will fade as healthy practices replace the old ones. Now I can go to the bar, drink water and spend time with friends with only a minimun of angst about drinking, though the urge to drink is still with me it is one I can allow to be without it being in charge. Inviting Mara to tea is a lesson I dearly hope to practice daily, a buddhist lesson as important as any I've come to know. This journey has opened me in a way, reminded me the power of Landmark is alive and well inside. Expressing honesty without judgment is a work in progress, but I'm able to admit one that is going well...while knowing I'm still closer to the beginning than the end.
It's a funny thing, this idea of practice. In yoga this is a simple, yet all-powerful, part of life. Sharing this with others has become a commitment for me. Working on being present has always been one of my greatest attribute while on a horse, though now it's moved on to being present from minute to minute, regardless of where I am. One of the great ironies of being present is being open to those moments of doubt and hurt, not shutting down or reverting to those old practices of self-medicating or judging others, and how this may be even more important than the times of love and happiness. To acknowledge the moments where the storm is raging within is the first step in allowing the moment to pass, and this was a huge re-discovery for me the past few weeks. Just last Saturday I helped a friend deal with her own storm, and yet talking with her tonight I realized I didn't follow up the next day, or the day after that. I learned to keep your friends close, remind them I'm still here, still open to listening and sharing, but first I have to remember. Fingers crossed I will.
Jack Kornfield wrote what I think will turn out to be an all-time favorite book for me, and in it he shares a meditation every chapter. The book is called A Path With Heart, and the meditation I put in my car goes like this;
May I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.
I love how he chose to use the word May...it encompasses the idea we're not always so, yet also gracefully allows us to acknowledge we can be. We're asking our heart the way a lover beckons one to bed with open arms and a welcoming smile.
The journey has only just begun, but it has gratefully become one to look forward to. One step at a time.